What Happens Now ????

Sometimes life isn't what you thought it would be.... sometimes it slips up on you and knocks you flat on your back...
I talked with Jonathan tonight and he leaves at 4:30am the 2nd of Jan. to return to Virginia to get ready to deploy... The fear that grips my heart is almost unbearable. I wish I knew another mom that has gone through this.
I feel angry that I am stuck out here and not able to see him, touch him, hug and kiss him.. it's so not fair. I resent the fact that I have to be here because of a stupid travel contract. I hate traveling. I am so glad 2009 is here because it's the last travel job.
I just need someone that cares about what I am going through... I need a shoulder to cry on and an ear that will let me vent and not take anything personally. I feel like I am about to explode inside.
I have been through so many changes this past year and some of them might not have been such a good idea. It might blow up in my face. Then I'm stuck with the changes, but not the benefits.
I just want to return to a normal life for me. I want to get a job, settle in one place, have all of our stuff out of storage and be closer to my family. I will accomplish this one way or another.
Promises are made, promises are broken, people pretend to care as long as things are going like they think it should go... but if YOU have a rough spot, then it's all been pretend on their part and you are left going through your struggle alone...
Can't wait to see what happens next...
See ya on the flip side.

Please Lord, Not My Son

My heart, mind, body, and soul are screaming out right now.

I received the call today that no mama wants to get.....my baby boy is going to Iraq.

Even though he is old enough, he is still just a baby to me. He is the best daddy in the world and has just experienced having a son. His heart belongs to his little girl though, she thinks the sun rises and sets in her daddy. She is so much like him....full of life and into everything. You can't turn your head or she will be gone and into something.

I remember the day he was born... the doctors pronounced him dead. The cord was wrapped 3 times around his neck and in 2 knots. He was as blue as the color I am using to type this. He was a big baby, 9lbs 10 oz. The Anesthesiologist took him and said "let me try".... he shoved a tube down Jon's throat and sucked the fluid out of his lungs and spat it on the floor.... after the third time of doing this, Jonathan stiffened out and let out a squall that could be heard down the hall. That was the sweetest sound I had ever heard. He was placed in the nicu unit in case he had pneumonia from the fluid he had swallowed. Within 2 hrs, they were calling me on the phone asking me if they could bring him to me. He was hungry, screaming, and waking all of the little ones in the nicu. They called him "Little Brute"... He's been my baby all of his life and still fusses when he is hungry (which is all the time)...LOL

I have always felt because of his birth, God has a calling for Jon. He won't talk much about God, but I hope and pray he will find his way to Him soon.

He is the most tenderhearted of my children and so loving and kind. Always standing up for the underdog.

My mind still cannot conceive he is going to war and will be gone a year and a half.. I am still in shock. I look at him and see this little giggling blond haired blue eyed full of life boy....they look at him and see a man ready to defend his country.

It will do me no good to tell him "don't be a hero".... because I know deep in my heart that if the situation arises and he has a chance to save someone, he will, even at the expense of his life. That's the way he is. And I am so proud of him.

I will join the thousands of moms waiting to hear from their sons or daughters..... the long nights of crying, and wondering if he's hungry, or scared, or hurt....

I can tell you that I am not going to handle this very well, but I will pray daily and with God's help, I will lean on Him.

In His Love,

"Jonfanon" Jonathan's mommy

So, What Do You Do Now, Church?

My heart is heavy laden for a dear friend and brother in Christ.

I know what he is going through..... being blackballed, demoted by the same christians that shouted and cried with his music, and being labeled an outcast .

I am referring to the great musician/songwriter, Ray Boltz. I love this man and will continue to support him in his ministry.

How many of you have sang his songs, listened to the words and cried, and lifted your hands in praise while he ministered to your spirit?????

You will probably say "he has fallen from grace" , "he has given into Satan's powers" yada yada yada But the funny thing is, he was who he is all along, YOU just didn't know it. GOD DID and still blessed his music and talents.

How do you explain that? How do you judge that?

It's going to be funny to see the looks on some people's faces

when we all get to Heaven and you realize you are standing and praising the Blessed Prince of Peace, the Saviour of Sinners, the Everlasting Father, and the Lamb of God, right beside me and Ray Boltz........

You say that's not going to happen.... ok then I will take a chance and praise Him and worship Him while on this earth, and if I find out in the end that I was wrong, then I have enjoyed His presence here....

This very thing happened a few years ago with Mel.... (author of "Stranger at the Gate").... he had been high up and respected in many places in the church world......right beside Billy Graham at times.... Then BANG... a nobody in the church.....

My heart is hurting for Ray... and I am so angry at the church right now.... if you don't walk THEIR walk and talk THEIR talk, then you are out...no matter if you have been walking in the footsteps of Christ and doing His work faithfully and being blessed by the Holy Spirit through them...

WAKE UP.....

I love you all and will continue to work for the One that matters......

In His Precious Love,

K

PS Ray and I will see you in the Heavenly Choir.....

OK God, now you have my full attention !!!!!

Do you ever feel like you are on a continuous roller coaster????? That's how it felt yesterday.
The phone rings, and once again, the door has been slammed shut on San Francisco. The hospital went on strike and all temporary techs were sent packing.
This time, I didn't throw a fit, I did cry, not over losing San Fran, but over not having a job to go to.
The phone rings again, there a a couple of other jobs in the works, and they are both on the East Coast!!!!!!!! this would put us closer to mom and kids.
The one we think might come through is a temp to perm job in Harrisburg PA. We had been talking about settling in PA, and we feel such a peace over what has transpired.
Even the recruiter told Susan that undoubtedly something is going to happen in San Fran and she's not supposed to be there..... they have never had this happen before.
She is their top priority in the job search and a blanket email went out to all of the recruiters to find her a job. That's when Aaron called her about PA. He told her that when this job came open, she immediately came to mind, but he saw where she was contracted for CA. Aaron was our first person we dealt with when we signed up to travel.
God is good, God is in control, and He still moves mountains. We will just sit quietly, and wait on His leading..... oh yeah, we did tell them not to call us about CA anymore.....LOL Having the door slam shut twice was enough to get our attention.
I have felt like I needed to be near my mom for a few months now, and if that is where I need to be then God will open that door.
In His Love,
K

OK.......Now I feel like a dummy

It's a little hard to type when you are slinking away......
I have to admit, I failed the "Faith" test horribly.... I cried, got angry, questioned, and pouted... not very Christian like.....
When San Francisco was pulled, I went on a downward spiral, and was devastated.
We fly this Sat. to Wichita, KS (home) and today, we got the call that San Fran is a done deal and we fly there Aug. 18th for 3-6 months.... this gives us time to visit Micah's grandma and pa (Susan's parents), rearrange our clothing and stuff, and still get there before Micah starts school.
I wish I could visit mom and kids, but gas prices stop that....
Maybe after San Fran.......
I have had to do a lot of praying and asking God and my family for forgiveness for my attitude and weak faith.... have any of you had to do that?
Well, must pack... love to all of you...
K

ATTENTION!! ATTENTION!! TEST OF FAITH COMING UP !!!!!

OK !!OK!! Now comes the test of Faith.... we all cringe when we hear those words...(and don't try to tell me you don't...LOL)

We were all set to head to San Francisco in 2 weeks when Susan's job called and told us that the hospital there pulled the contract. Something about the guy there hadn't gotten final approval yet to issue a contract.

Sorry to say, my first reaction was one of shock, tears, and anger.... usually if we don't have something promising lined up, we save for a month in case we have to sit at home. Well, we had a signed contract so we didn't save... Pure fear hit me, and then the doubts and questions....

Then out of Susan's mouth came words I didn't want to hear.... "you know there is always a reason" and "God never closes a door that He doesn't open another one, He will provide".

I wanted to wallow in my self pity and anger for awhile, I wanted to lash out at her company, but mostly, I just wanted to cry and question....

So I don't know where this is leading, but we will see.... If He took away San Francisco, I can't wait to see what He has in store....

Forgive, Lord, my unbelief.... I am so glad we can go to Him and ask forgiveness for our stupidity.... :)

Will let you know what transpires...

In His Love,

K

Life Can Be Exciting if you just hold on

We just received some exciting news... we have traveled to various locations, from the smallest to some pretty good locations.... Pittsburg PA, Cambridge MN, Pendleton OR, and we are now in Phoenix AZ....... we really need to get this right... we should have been here in the winter and MN in the summer...LOL from 19 below zero to 114 in the shade... whew.. I am glad this is only a 4 week stint.. can't wait to leave here....
Susan got a call from her company the other day about our next assignment, and we both jumped around and laughed, cried, and hugs all around...
We are getting to go to San Francisco for 3-12 months... I can't imagine getting to live there, housing, car, utilities, etc taken care of... it is a chance of a lifetime... we are so excited... we will have a 2 bedroom apt so if ya want to visit, we will have room....LOL
Her job is at the UCSF hospital which is a teaching hospital with the latest technology.. she sill be able to learn so much more...
I said all of that to say this.... "be faithful in the small things and He will reward you with the big things."
San Fran is so expensive, there's no way we could go there for even 2 weeks on our own... $2500 a month for a studio apt, parking is $150 a week....... but through her job, we are able to experience this with Micah and he will be able to see a lot of things.... and do a lot of things... He is so funny.... here San Fran is such a culture of history....and he is super excited because at Pier 39 they have an arcade with over 100 games to choose from...LOL go figure......
I will keep you posted on the latest....
In His Love,
K, S, and M